The Superhero System of Your Choice (Marvel Setting): Unheroik Jurks

My name is Nicholas Fury and I’m putting together a special team, and I need me eight superheroes. Eight American superheroes.

Now, y’all might’ve heard rumors about the S.H.I.E.L.D. counter-terrorist surge happening soon. Well, we’ll be leaving a little earlier. We’re gonna be dropped into Latveria, dressed as civilians. And once we’re in enemy territory, as a bushwhackin’ guerrilla army, we’re gonna be doin’ one thing and one thing only… killin’ Doombots.

Now, I don’t know about y’all, but I sure as hell didn’t come down from the goddamn helicarrier, cross five thousand miles of water, fight my way through half of the Secret Invasion and jump out of a fuckin’ air-o-plane to teach Victor von Doom lessons in humanity. Doom ain’t got no humanity. He’s a Richards-hatin’, mass murderin’ maniac and he needs to be dee-stroyed.

That’s why any and every every son of a bitch we find wearin’ a Doom costume, they’re gonna die. Now, I’m the direct descendant of the mountain man Jim Bridger. That means I got a little Injun in me. And our battle plan will be that of an Apache resistance. We will be cruel to the Doombots, and through our cruelty Doom will know who we are. And he will find the evidence of our cruelty in the expurgated, exploded, and executed bodies of his robots we leave behind us.

And the Doctor won’t not be able to help himself but to imagine the cruelty his Doombots endured at our hands, and our boot heels, and our powers. And Doom will be sickened by us, and Doom will talk about us, and Doom will fear us. And when Doom closes his eyes at night and he’s tortured by his subconscious for the evil he has done, it will be with thoughts of us he is tortured. Sound good?


That’s what I like to hear. But I got a word of warning for all you would-be warriors. When you join my command, you take on debit. A debit you owe me personally. Each and every man under my command owes me one hundred Doombot positronic brains. And I want my robot brains. And all y’all will git me one hundred robot brains, taken from the heads of one hundred dead robots. Or you will die tryin’.