There’s nothing like writing a series of reviews of RPG systems you’ve played to make you realize just how much D&D you’ve been running for the last decade. I’m down to systems I’ve played but haven’t run, so I’m not completely confident about reviewing them. So the System Review column is on hiatus for a while until I can have a chance to experiment with a few more systems so I can ensure I’m not pre-judging them.

This week, in lieu of a review and by request, here’s another SNFO (taking a movie or other major pop culture story and swapping it to a different genre to make it RPG-worthy).

Hardcore

How come nobody’s ever tried to be an adventurer?

Well I dunno… probably because it’s fucking impossible, dipshit.

What, putting on a chain shirt and fighting orcs. How’s that impossible?

Well that’s not an adventurer, though. You said adventurer. That’s like having more spells than everybody. Turning undead and shit. That’s just, like, a warrior.

No. That’s not even a warrior, that’s just a psycho.

Hmm.

Hello: Robilar. He didn’t have any powers.

Yes. But he had all the magic weapon shit and doesn’t exist. I thought you meant like how come nobody does it in real life.

Yeah, Todd, that’s what I meant.

Dude. If anybody did it in real life they’d get their first level commoner ass kicked. They’d be dead in, like, a day.

A day.

Yeah, okay. I’m not saying they should do it. I just can’t figure out why nobody does. Seriously. Out of all the millions of people who love songs about adventurers, you’d think one would give it a try… St. Cuthbert’s beard, guys, does it not bug you? Why thousands of people want to be Princess Yolande and nobody wants to be Mordenkainen?

Yeah, what’s with that? She has, like, no tits at all.

Maybe it’s the rumor about her and the king of White Plume Mountain. Mord doesn’t have a sexy rumor.

You guys never heard the one about “Mordenkainen’s Fantastic Adventure?”

Player characters all take NPC classes in a world that has lots of stories about PC-class characters and powerful magic items but no actual evidence. They try to run a dungeon. Hilarity ensues.

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